At times, I have hard days, so then I disappear...
This is a self-portrait from 2017. I chose this photo because it shows me with my hands in a style reminiscent of a butterfly hug, which is used for emotional regulation by stimulating touch receptors and affecting the nervous system. This gesture can help calm down and reduce emotional tension, and it can also be helpful in daily emotional management.
Welcome to another post!
This isn't the post I had planned. I have another one in the works, but I haven't been able to finish it... When the hard days come, I have to focus on fighting for survival... Even this one took me a while, because I write when I can, when I have the better days.
Struggle for survival.
Yes, I struggle… Depression, fibromyalgia, menopause and other ailments are taking a toll on me. I'm in pain everywhere: my gums, teeth, joints, bones, muscles, stomach ache and other. The face, arms and legs go numb. But the worst thing is the fatigue, so strong that sometimes I don't have the strength to breathe. But do not worry, I'm breathing, slower, but I do it; I'm forcing myself to live. Wouldn't it be easier to fall asleep and then wake up in the Father's house? And all this would be behind me.
At one time, a doctor explained that I have the wrong brain chemistry, so I often laugh that I'm not normal or not quite right in the head. 😂
“ What happiness to suffer for Him Who loves us even unto folly, and to pass for fools in the eyes of the world!”
My worse day, summer 2022. Unfortunately, pain won't give up on vacation😂
I joke about it and laugh, even though sometimes through tears. Because what do I have left? You would think that I am unhappy, but on the contrary, I am very happy and grateful to God for everything I have received. For my husband, for my children, for the people on my path, for life. I know that I am here on earth for a reason.
“I am created to do something or to be something for which no one else is created; I have a place in God’s counsels, in God’s world, which no one else has; whether I be rich or poor, despised or esteemed by man, God knows me and calls me by name.”
Reflections on the words of Father Krzysztof Pałys about true happiness.
I love listening to Father Krzysztof; what he says as a preacher is very close to my heart. His way of experiencing faith in various aspects is similar to mine, although of course he, as a Dominican, knows, understands, and experiences it more deeply. Recently, I had the opportunity to listen to his wise words, in which he emphasized that:
Pleasure: is a state of the body,
Joy: is a state of the mind,
Happiness: is a state of the spirit.
And I understood why I am happy despite everything that touches me. Because happiness, according to this Dominican, arises from unity with God. This discovery brought me immense joy! However, despite this, I have moments of weakness and doubt, and I feel like Job from the Old Testament, stripped of pride, health, abilities, education, and dignity.
“The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord”
In such moments, often shedding tears, I wonder if I deserve all this because I am not without sin? Or maybe there is some other reason? I am only certain that God is with me, close. He comforts me, but also educates me.
“I rejoice to see how God loves you and fills you with His graces. . . . He finds you worthy to suffer for His love, and that is the greatest proof of tenderness He can give you, for it is suffering that makes us like to Him.”
Between support and lack of empathy.
Sometimes people don't understand how difficult it is and look at me with superiority or contempt. I've received many pieces of advice that weren't always helpful. Sorry, they were not helpful at all! Sometimes I hear things like "Pull yourself together, get out of the house" or “You're exaggerating, I'm tired too, stop making things up, go out and socialise.” The best advice is the one that suggests an introvert go out and socialise 😉. I just sigh with a smile, and as an extreme introvert, I avoid future contacts. Emotions cost me too much and worsen my overall condition. And please, believe me, I have been suffering for years. I even joke that pain is my best friend because it never leaves me. 😉 So I think I have more knowledge of what or who can bring me relief.
Fortunately, within my very small circle, I have people who understand me and who experience similar struggles. Together, we even find humour in our problems. And in tougher times, we're simply there for each other. Not necessarily physically, sometimes just knowing that there's someone who understands is enough. 🥰
I'm most grateful for the presence of my husband. He not only stays with me despite everything but also embraces me when I cry, feeling powerless and exhausted from it all. Without words, because they are unnecessary. ❤️
Can you help?
Of course you do! Personally, I don't want pity or sympathy, nor am I seeking advice. I don't complain about my situation. I only desire empathy and to be left in peace when I need it. There are days when I don't have the strength for conversation or meeting others because I'm dedicating all my energy to surviving another day.
I share this here because I hope it will reach those who suffer similarly, and as they say, the more the merrier 😉. And also to others, so they may consider to accept us as the way we are because then it will be easier for all of us.
And trust me, when you meet me, you'll never think about what I'm going through. I've often hear: “It is not seen on you.” Because it is not seen, and I'm very happy with it. And when I see people, I can't help but smile, I don't want to complain, and if you can't see it, that's a good thing.
“The more interior the suffering is and the less apparent to the eyes of creatures, the more it rejoices You, O my God! ”
Waking Up to Life: The Beginning of Transformation.
When I started writing this post, I was truly in a "dark valley," but the Good God did not abandon me.
“Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I fear no evil;
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff-
they comfort me.”
Now it is already March, the days are getting warmer and longer, and sometimes the sun emerges. The world is waking up slowly to life. There are significant spiritual and psychological changes happening within me. I, too, am waking up to life. I have understood and discovered many things. But more about that next time. I hope you will stay with me to accompany me on this journey of transformation. Thank you for BEING.
See you in the next post!
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